Wednesday, May 24, 2006

For the benefit of all my devoted and desperate readers, who've been hanging on the edge of their seats for months to learn the result of how discovering god has reflected on my overall well being, I send my blessings and good news:

I lied.

The thing I thought was god in the back of my sock drawer turned out to be a mouse nest. When I attempted to communicate with the mouse, she ignored me. At first I took this as additional proof, but when my gut feeling told me to invade a 3rd world country that didn't have oil, I knew it was the work of Satan. So I tossed the nest & all in a blender. Ok, I didn't, I lied again. Life's hard when you're a heathen & a blasphemer, always avoiding good, doing evil, & coveting your neighbors ass (actually the guy's crazy & thoroughly unappealing. But see, that's what makes it hard).

Oh wow though, Pam's ass was gorgeous when she lived over there. She made Brazillian beach bunnies look like dumpy farm girls. But I was trying to be a citizen, since she was married & had a daughter. Her husband was busted & locked up for dealing dope & she made it plain to me she was lonesome for company. Then he got out on parole & sincerely believed I'd been messing with her (probably because Pam needed some kind of leverage with him so she implied I had). He beat her up & made her pregnant & miserable, so she stayed drunk most of the time. Chelsey was the new baby, she was a sweetheart, but had an attention deficit hyperactivity disorder because of the fetal alcohol before she was born. Chelsey'd do risky things like running along the top of the picket fence & climb up on the corrugated plastic roof of the porch to hang out with the cats whenever she got upset, because heavy adults couldn't go out there to catch her, and she liked the cats better anyway. By the time she was 4, she'd go hunting with them too. Pam finally got divorced but lost custody because of her history of dope & drinking. So without mom around, dad made kiddy porn videos of his 12 yr old older daughter (who took after Pam) & her friends in junior high cheerleaders. He tried to sell the stuff, but the buyer turned him in. The family fell apart. Grandma took Chelsey & moved to Italy. Pam moved in with her Xs' dad. The older daughter & her friend were both put in foster homes. I grandly imagine that I could have made a believable impression on ol' dad (or got killed), if I HAD kept company with Pam, but I also had a daughter & recent breakup too & I didn't want to make things worse for MY kid. And ol' dad had a pistol that once belonged to Charlie Manson & he was proud of it, more reason not to get too involved. Except for Pams beautiful tush, that whole episode was a whirlpool of chain saws. Wonder what god was doing then? Oh it's probably none of our business.

Catch 23: every catch has a catch.
OK Look: here's what god was doing then. Since, in fact, god's the unifying principle behind everything you DON'T know: god was furiously twiddling his hormones & smirking! Well no, that's only what it looked like he was doing, Actually he was casting around desperately to make sense of nonsense & trying to decide where to go with it. He'd only have that direction if an observer with an opinion is present. An opinion would require an assessment of the facts. You see this is rapidly spinning out of gods control. He morphs from everything you DON'T know to only those things you do. So "Poof" you read the above facts, what are the critical elements? suffering, hormones, attraction, revulsion, rightous voyeurism. But it doesn't have any meaning in it'self, because without people, god is nonsense. Furthermore, gods' existance violates his own definition, how can there be a mystical unifying reality that's unknown? (If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you cheap. In fact, forget the bridge: just send me all your money because you must). What's really causing the wonder of the universe is the potential in the wild, like Pams beautiful butt, forever unknowable & meaningless, (except for the hormones, eh?).