Tuesday, June 03, 2008

This is just a guess: If I were god (which of course I am), I'd develop an alter ego so there'd be some kind of feedback. Then I'd get into heated debates about irrelevant crap, based on whomever had the idea first & is thus the original. Then I'd jump on the bastard & beat the shit out of him for being so disrespectful, and place him in some kind of parallel continuum like heaven, or hell where he would be handy to validate my existence, but be unable to bug me otherwise. The deal being: as soon as I'm through with existence, you can have it, (smirk smirk) so he never gets it. (giggle)

Like I was talking to God the other day & he said "Alas my creations are unbearably stupid. It reflects on me, not because they fight constantly like unruly brats, but because they don't recognize the value of being number 2. Like, it's simply not possible for everyone to be number one and those that think they are should remember Katrina and be vigilant to stay clear of my path."

So I'm like: "Woux, dude, I know how you mean, they got no respect."

An He's like: "Bless you my son"

An I'm like: "Yeah, made in Your image an being number 2 totally sucks"

And so that's how I got this smoking crater where my head used to be. Now I'm thinking maybe we should redesign the western Pantheon of God, Jesus, Mother Mary, Saint Elmo, Satan, Bezelbub & anybody else you have a problem with, to be a more socially viable if we want to avoid Armageddon & ten thousand (more) years of strife & conflict. Some suggestions are:

1) nobody with gods arrogance will ever find peace in the world, so thenceforth god will no longer be number one, so if (as they say) we're made in His image, we won't then be reflecting his selfishness and can afford to be more agreeable to get along.

lookin good for Jesus

2) Jesus must screw, all the hippy Jesuses did (god kicked them out of heaven for it & gave them aids). But Jesus is "God in the flesh" with human faults and he never screws? that dog don't float, it's just trouble waiting to happen, so make it ok, god needs grandkids.

3) Satan and the minions of hell shall be fallible. Like Santa Claus, the devil supposedly knows what you're thinking, and will punish you for it, forever. But why should the Fallen One provide the world with any reason to avoid eternity in screaming agony? It's counter productive. If I were the devil, I'd have a more laid back image, (maybe talking geckos for salesmen) and a more credible game plan, because ABSOLUTE, non negotiable anything is either a sign of A) challenge, or B) ignorance. Say it's challenge, Satan wants you to not fall for his gambit, like he's really Jehovah undercover, trying to make you good, but God wouldn't lie, and Satan wouldn't NOT want you to burn forever in eternal damnation. So it must be B) ignorance: Satan is therefore the Great Bush, and must bear the associated stigma of farce.

Gods Favor

While driving down the highway in my smoking VW bus, we find we're being followed closely. Not by the usual police, but by Hummers, Mercedes, and BMWs, i.e. gods chosen. We naturally assume they want us to teach them the meaning of existence, but actually they want to pass because we're going slower than the speed limit.

Meanwhile my alter ego, claiming gods favor, cruses the interstate at 10 miles over the speed limit. It's a state of grace, music is on the radio, the air conditioning is inaudible. In the slow lane, the poor people, humble and ignorant, strive to justify their existence. I have no problem with them, I'm courteous, gracious, they don't bother me unless they question my claim of Gods favor.

Claiming or even looking for gods favor is the egos ultimate expression, justification for any action, I do it because I'm righteous. (you infidel pig of a roach) (I meant that in a good way)